5 Tips for Developing a Healthy Self-Esteem
By Angela Gwak, PhD
In our practice, there are many clients who want to strengthen their self-esteem because they recognize some dissatisfaction in their careers and relationships as the result of a powerful inner critic. These individuals are often highly educated, sophisticated, and successful within their line of work. They may also appear content in their relationships, and “have it all together” from an outsider’s perspective. Inwardly though, they may struggle immensely. But by coming to therapy, they have taken courageous steps to seek support and begin their journey towards a healthier view of self. But is that truly possible? What is self-esteem and how do we work towards developing a healthy self-esteem?
What is the definition of self-esteem?
Many scholars within the field of psychology have defined low self-esteem, but I personally like Lim and colleagues’ (2005) version. They defined it as, “having a generally negative overall opinion of oneself, judging or evaluating oneself negatively, and placing a general negative value on oneself as a person” (Lim, et al., 2005). While we may not be able to pinpoint the root cause of an individual’s self-esteem, its cause is likely multifactorial. And each individual is also unique. But a critical sense of self is generally influenced by many experiences accrued over a lifetime. For example, you may have had negative early life experiences with primary caregivers that contributed to low self-esteem. Major life events may have formed a belief that you are not worthy or not good enough. Difficult childhood experiences with teachers or peers at school could have affected your self-esteem. If you are part of a disadvantaged identity group (i.e. gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, race, class, religion, etc.), your self-esteem can be shaped by unintentionally internalizing the overt and covert societal messages that you’ve been exposed to (e.g. you’ve been treated like an “Other,” not good enough, undeserving, or incompetent).
How do you know whether you have low self-esteem?
Here are a few examples of how low self-esteem can manifest:
You experience poor sleep and/or distressing emotions (e.g. depression, anxiety, feelings of guilt, sadness, inadequacy, and shame) frequently and specifically when you are thinking about yourself as a person;
You tend to engage in unhelpful thinking and behaviors (e.g. being self-critical with yourself or with others by using self-deprecating humor);
You may have very high expectations of yourself and have difficulty believing or accepting positive feedback or compliments (e.g. quickly minimize, negate, or dismiss praise because you feel uncomfortable);
You may struggle with self-doubt and/or self-blame (e.g. feeling stuck and immobilized; procrastinating or avoiding opportunities due to a fear of failure or lack of confidence in yourself).
Or on the flip side, you may overwork and push yourself so hard in an attempt to please others (e.g. doing more than needed or required to cover up feelings of inadequacy);
You have difficulty being truly yourself with others and struggle to deepen or expand relationships (e.g. being hesitant or afraid of being vulnerable with others due to a fear of rejection or negative feedback);
You struggle to truly engage in self-care or going to therapy as an investment in yourself (e.g. using downtime for your own leisure may be difficult because you feel guilty actively exercising self-directed kindness or compassion. You may not believe that you are deserving and you could do other “productive” things with the given time to “better yourself”).
Do these examples sound familiar?
As mentioned before, many individuals struggle with the low self-esteem. Sometimes it can be hard to recognize the struggle because people can mask negative beliefs about themselves very well or are even objectively successful in many areas of life.
But I want to emphasize that there are ways to grow your self-esteem!
Evidence-based therapies such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can help build your self-esteem. Our psychologists at MTC often use this framework to help clients learn to challenge their negative view of self and arrive at a healthier view of self. Some of the examples listed below are inspired by a CBT approach.
5 Practical tips for developing a healthy self-esteem
Keep a journal and intentionally list your positive qualities (with specific examples or achievements)
I know that the idea of writing examples of your positive qualities everyday may sound cheesy or even elementary. But you might be surprised! The power of writing things down will help you identify and label your qualities in a more concrete way. If you are consistent in writing and re-reading your journal, it will help you solidify new beliefs or at least re-focus you to also acknowledge your positive attributes. Oftentimes, you may not fully recognize or even remember the positive examples because of a tendency towards enlarging the negatives and minimizing your positive qualities. To do this, simply make two columns. One section to jot down specific examples of what you did that day. And another right next to it to write down the positive attributes or achievements that were reflected in the example.
Re-focus on positive attributes when negative thoughts emerge.
It is important to realize that working on self-esteem requires awareness about potential obstacles to your progress. For example, if when trying to journal about your positive qualities, you notice that you’re thinking, “This positive quality is nothing. Look! I failed in x, y, and z,” I encourage you to pause, observe what’s happening, and shift your attention back to the exercise. There is no pressure to “fix” any negative thinking during this exercise - but to re-focus on the positives. It is like looking at a painting and finding all of your favorite colors rather than the ones you dislike.
Actively accept praise or compliments.
Instead of automatically defaulting towards minimizing positive comments, acknowledge the praise or compliment by saying, “Thank you. I appreciate that.” And full stop! Just own what’s been said to you. No need to negate or dilute it.
Remind yourself that the thoughts and feelings associated with how you see yourself may just be opinions.
These opinions may not be 100% based on the truth or facts, and therefore, are likely an inaccurate or only partial representation of yourself. This may help to stop yourself from getting sucked into a negative spiral of unhelpful thoughts and emotions.
Seek a psychologist who is well-versed in CBT to provide specific support in building self-esteem.
For example, your CBT therapist can help you challenge your negative cognitions, behavioral patterns, and emotions, through an evidenced-based intervention called cognitive restructuring. This method is used to help clients to better identify and label their unhelpful thoughts, challenge their complete veracity, and develop new or more flexible thoughts with the goal of gaining a healthier and more balanced view of self.
Of note, a healthy self-esteem does not mean believing that you are 100% confident, 100% competent, and 100% brilliant at all times. A healthy self-esteem means that you have a balanced view of yourself (Lim et al., 2005). This means that you are able to deeply and truly believe that while you recognize some areas of growth, you also possess many wonderful qualities that you can fully claim as your own.
About the Author: Dr. Angela Gwak is a psychologist and post-doctoral fellow at MTC. She loves to use CBT to assist her clients towards claiming healthier and more balanced views of self. She feels deeply honored to be part of their journey and to witness them flourish.
References:
Lim, L., Saulsman, L., & Nathan, P. (2005). Improving Self-Esteem. Perth, Western Australia: Centre for Clinical Interventions